A week ago, I felt I had arrived at this monumental headspace wrapped in ultimate peace surrounding my decade long desire and steps at losing weight. I was so inspired at that time to write a blog I never quite got around to starting, and, now, that feeling has subsided, and I’ve had to ward off old thought patterns of wanting to push and punish myself into creating a smaller physical body for the last couple days. I’m currently somewhere in the middle between wanting it and being at peace with all of it.
My body has been an amazing vessel which has carried me for the last 35 years through every experience I’ve ever had. I am healthy, active, and, overall, feel pretty damn good. Hard work-outs are fun sometimes and so is maxing and PR’s. But, my ultimate goals have long been things intangible, such as, consistency, health, discipline, balance, peace with food, and being a positive role model for my children. (At one time, I just wanted a butt, one that wasn’t flat and pancake like, but that’s a story for another time.) All of which I have either achieved, or I can see the finish line. I want to eat right now. I wasn’t hungry when I started typing this, but now, all of a sudden, I feel an over-whelming need to get a snack. What is under there? What am I afraid of? I ask myself. Maybe it’s the vulnerability.
Last week I had resolved to accepting that I would be whatever weight I was meant to be at any given time. I do a lot of spiritual work. I embraced the possibility that I carried extra weight for a reason and decided to be at peace with that because I just wanted to live my life in joy, peace, and fluidity. I was tired of wasting energy on worry and upset about the weight of my physical body. I had every intention of continuing my exercise/yoga regimen simply because I enjoyed it and because, ultimately, I would still desire health and wellness, at any and every size I may come to be. I am intentional about the quality of foods I consume and the amount of water I drink, and have been for years. It has become part of who I am, and I was ready to 100% trust myself and my body to guide my actions. I’m still mostly here, in this space of letting go and acceptance – about 80%. I’m hoping that writing about it will do something positive for me and somebody else for that matter. Not that I am better, more special, or more knowledgeable than anyone else, but it’s always my intention that my actions, words, and life help someone else achieve a deeper level of understanding and freedom within themselves.
When I sat on my meditation cushion instead of eating ice cream today and asked myself what feeling I was avoiding, I heard, “impatience”, and that resonated with me. I could see clearly how impatience may have been rolling under the surface of my unnecessary desires to eat both recently and over the years – maybe always. So, I sat with that for a very uncomfortable 10 minutes, accepted the experience as it was, yoga’ d and committed to coming back next Friday, if not before.
I am patient.
With Grace & Gratitude…